Ganga Days and Nights

I wrote the following catch-up on the balcony outside my room in Rishikesh (I miss it!):

It’s really hot. In a languid, luxuriant way if you’re privileged enough to have nothing specific to do, and utterly exhausting if you’re not. It’s been a lovely few days with friends on the banks of the Ganga, hidden away up in the trees, eating salad and fruit, feeling happy and rested and nurtured. It’s that perfect evening light-time, a rose-peach warmth cast across the hills, the river, the multi-coloured buildings and the single white mandir on the opposite bank that I can see from here…

The last few days in Mussoorie were hectic – finishing classes and hiking up and down to the bazaar for various things. Most notably to send a parcel home, a process that demands a significant portion of time as you hunt for a tailor willing to accept the menial (but impressive, to me) task of encasing the box in cotton as is required by the post office. But the busyness was a good thing – both Martina and I were ready to move on and staying so occupied made the time fly.

On our last evening we took supplies round to a friend’s flat and spent the evening with Kaushal, learning to cook – chole, baingan ka bharta, bhindi and chapati, to be specific. If I can recreate them to taste as good as they did that night I will rightly consider myself an Indian masterchef. With a small but select repertoire. Although actually, having said that, I shouldn’t lay claim to such a title until I have also mastered pista and nariyal barfi (even though every Indian woman I say that to finds it hilarious that I can be bothered to even try given the apparent tedium of the task. But they fail to register that, unlike virtually every town in India, Bradford-on-Avon suffers from a noticeable dearth of good mithai shops). Then the menu will be complete.

So early on Saturday morning Martina and I bade a gleeful farewell to Dev Dar Woods and its white toast breakfasts, and a more affectionate sort to Mussoorie itself, as we set out in search of the Ganga in its Himalayan home.

We spent the first night in Uttarkashi which at first post-bus sight strikes as a dusty frontier-feeling town, but on further exploration turns out to be a gentle place, nestled in a valley amongst the foothills, with colourful single storey homes and ashrams straddling the Ganga which quietly bubbles its way over rocks, gathering strength for its journey south. Curiosity about the river’s spiritual significance is swiftly satisfied by the orange-robed sadhus ambling along its banks, or taking the obligatory freezing dip in the late afternoon. The scene was a gratifying change from the Christian missionary legacy that remains disspiritingly palpable in much of Mussoorie.

The next morning we opted for a bit of (very relative) luxury and hired our own jeep and driver for the four hour climb/scramble/bounce to Gangotri, 3600m up in the Himalayas. The route follows the Ganga the whole way and is breathtakingly beautiful. Literally. There were moments when looking down into the valley and seeing the water snaking through sand-coloured rocks like a jade green ribbon felt like a glimpse into Eden – or Paradise, Nirvana, the Garden of Enlightenment, whichever imagery you find most accessible or appropriate.

There is, I think, a point at which description of beauty becomes an almost pointless exercise. It can be self-defeating for the writer, who is well aware that she has no hope of doing the particular scene justice, and unfulfilling for the reader especially if the description, through want of alternatives (or sufficient talent), falls victim to cliche and generalisation. Given this (and the fact that I have photos), perhaps it suffices to say that I think, in many ways, Gangotri is the most beautiful place I have ever been (though I don’t want to mislead by omitting to mention that the journey there alse negotiates some kind of engineering project on a gargantuan, mountain-scarring scale).

It is also, between about 3pm and 8am, bone-achingly cold. We set out beneath ridiculously blue sky and bright sunshine on our trek towards Gaumukh – the glacier from which the Ganga begins to drip. After much deliberation we had decided to walk towards Bhojbasa, 14km from Gangotri, and stay the night there, possibly going to Gaumukh early the next morning or possibly just walking back to Gangotri, depending how we felt. When we reached the official entrance to the park we were told to sit down by the ageing civil servant (having his aloo paratha and chai for breakfast) and the standard army of unnecessary staff as they explained (in Hindi! Because our linguistic genius knows no bounds) that the path to Bhojbasa had become obstructed by landslides and that they would advise us not to go. Whipping out the newly acquired (and amazingly useful, my friends) future tense from my extensive grammatical armoury, I explained that we would go anyway and if it proved too difficult we would come back. This assurance that we wouldn’t take any risks was met with predictable approval, and off we went.

Four and a half hours, twelve kilometres and two negotiated minor rockfalls later the path disappeared and I gained a degree of clarity as to the etymology of the term “landslide”. The surface of the mountain had slid so as to incorporate the path, which was now subsumed beneath a shifting mixture of sand and rocks with nothing to catch them save the river itself, hundreds of metres below.

So we decided to turn around. Because in spite of the holy significance of submersion in the Ganga, we just didn’t fancy it at that exact moment. Which meant that we ended up walking 24km in a day, a distance that we hadn’t anticipated. And on the way back the clouds gathered and darkened and began to send us snow! Which was fun. But what a day. What beauty, what air, what shanti. What an amazing privilege to experience an environment so deeply touched by the truest form of natural magic.

Narnia during the thaw.

It’s all about anthropology

Even just being here for a few weeks affords such a privileged insight into people’s lives and their ways of being. Particularly in terms of health, as that’s what I tend to be most attuned to.

There’s a huge reliance on “medicine” here and a really interesting synergy between indigenous explanatory models for disease and an overwhelming faith in allopathic treatment, usually in the form of a pill. The ayurvedic basis of explanations for illness is very perceptible – lots of people are ill at the moment and they attribute it to Mussoorie’s erratic climate and the constant fluctuation between heat and cold, wet and dry.

According to Tasleem, his sore throat was likely caused by the sour mango he ate the night before his symptoms began. People rarely stress a single symptom, though, but rather the interconnection of several. “Bukhar” (fever) and “body ache/pain” are high profile symptoms that get mentioned a lot. Although Habib said that if you go to the doctor with a fever and other symptoms, the doctor will explain that the accompanying aches and pains are as a result of the fever which is the main illness to be treated. He also took some almonds from me one breaktime because they help his body to generate heat.

Kaushal and Aasha have both been unwell with colds and fevers. Finances will only stretch to a very short term cause of allopathic drugs, so Kaushal supplements them with “ghar ke dawai (I think)” (home remedies). For Aasha, Kaushal heated finely chopped garlic in some oil and massaged it into Aasha’s chest and back. She also warmed a paan leaf in the oil and placed it against Aasha’s ribs under her clothes before she slept as a means of drawing out the fever. I wonder if Kaushal would still employ these methods were she financially secure enough to afford allopathic medicine whenever deemed necessary. I’ll try and muster the Hindi to ask her.

The most intriguing thing for me though was Kaushal describing a year-long period of serious illness she suffered when her kids were small. She told me about the huge amount of pressure she was put under by her husband’s family – particularly by her mother-in-law, a situation which persists years later. She had a toddler and a baby yet was expected to prepare food for the entire extended family on a daily basis, as well as undertaking whatever paid work she could find outside the home. After several months of this routine, she explained, she became weaker and weaker until eventually “[her] blood finished” (which I can’t remember how to reproduce in Hindi, but it involves “khoon” and “khatam” – “mera khoon khatam ho gaya” ?)

She didn’t elaborate much on the symptoms, but she did say that her brother had to give her a bottle of blood and that she slowly recovered. Amazing. Her blood finished. I’m so curious to know what that means for Kaushal. And I’m so inspired to witness first hand examples of culturally influenced experiences of health and disease. Three years of anthropology readings brought to life.

And the role of language in the framing, understanding and expression of subjective experience couldn’t be more clear. In English, “my blood finished” is grammatically nonsensical and conceptually alien. But in Hindi, in Mussoorie, in the life of my friend Kaushal, it is a very real and traumatic phenomenon that deprived her of her health for months on end.

We’re endlessly fascinating, we humans.

Brain Ache

It’s an emotional as well as an intellectual process, learning a language. The initial exhilaration of rapid progress wears off as my brain gets full and struggles to process all the new knowledge. The linguistic principles are learned and understood, but my mouth continues to spew gobbledygook from which my teachers will manage to extract a tiny grammatical kernel that gives a vague clue as to what on earth it is I’m trying to say.

If I say “main mera…” rather than “apne” one more time….

But then there are gratifying moments when I’m complimented out of all proportion – such as by the man in the fabric shop the other day who told me I knew a lot of Hindi based soley on my knowledge of the word for “purple”.

Clipped Wings

The girls at Bhalika Bhavan in Kerala and St Luke’s in Tamil Nadu made such an impression on me. In so many of them there was a natural wildness, an independence of spirit that made them loud and uninhibited, chaotic and exhausting and bound together through circumstances that foster an intimate knowledge of and fierce loyalty toward each other.

When I think of them, it’s this infectious wildness that I remember – a general impression rather than a specific memory. A freedom of spirit born of communal living and a life out of doors, roaming, exploring. Being allowed to climb and slip and fall and cry and begin again.

The purpose of the girls’ homes is, ostensibly, to provide a safe environment in which children can grow and be educated and find work in wider society. But another, less vocal yet inevitable, purpose is to ensure that the girls become “marriageable” and in some cases for the home to play a role in the arrangement of the marriage.

So a sad contradiction of these homes (and one that plays on my mind) – given the nature of much of Indian society and the expectations placed on a wife – is that while the environment (and perennial shortage of staff) generates a wonderful boldness and self-sufficiency in the younger girls, as they grow into teenagers their caretakers have a responsibility to tame those defiant spirits, to contain them, to mute them to a level considered compatible with the socially expected degree of compliance and passivity required (at least initially) from a young woman entering married life.

Given this, the hope that these girls will be supported and encouraged to fulfill their full potential seems naive and idealistic (and I don’t discount the other constraints, especially financial, that make such a goal overly ambitious). Because that potential must necessarily be circumscribed in order to accommodate marriage and family life. I’ve heard this a lot over the last couple of months here: that so-and-so worked in a particular place, or was training for a specific role, or had graduated with a BSc in economics, “and then she got married”. Which doesn’t necessarily mean she stopped work (particularly in Kerala), but it denotes a change of status – from woman to wife – that entails a new set of priorities, the sublimation of personal ambition, the assumption of a new identity that is going to define them – above all in the eyes of others, perhaps – for the rest of their lives. The girls I met are growing up in the kind of small rural communities where this scenario is to be expected.

I think of girls like Ashini at Bhalika Bhavan with her insight and quick wit that sparkled through her ongoing commentary, even though I couldn’t understand a word; her air of strength, of an indefatiguable determination to stand up for herself and those who matter to her. And of Akshayarani at St. Luke’s, with her amazing grasp of English and ability to instantly retain new information; her quiet self-confidence and knowing intelligence. And the way she repeatedly pushed my hair behind my ears when the wind blew it into my eyes as we drove.

These startling children whose precocious maturity (born of necessity no doubt) and immense potential could be nurtured and encouraged, allowing them to be all that they could be, rather than managed and controlled in order to ease future decisions that will be largely out of their hands.

And I think: Please – let them fly.

Slowly but Surely…

Magic

The rain stopped. The sun came out. It’s warm and life is glorious.

For the first week I was here I was being told that above the visible hills that constitute our view on the way to school, the actual snow-covered Himalaya can be seen on a clear day. It’s impossible to visualise when all you can see is sky. And then yesterday, as if by magic, they appeared. Majestic, snow-draped peaks carved into the skyline. The actual Himalaya! Breathtaking in their clarity.

And today they have faded away again, back into the haze. But having seen them, knowing that they’re there, feels like knowing a secret – a revelation that can’t help but change what I see when I look across the valley and squint into the blue.

Bumps in the Road

A couple of days ago I was excited to hear from my undergraduate supervisor that I had won the 2007 Royal Anthropological Institute Student Essay Prize for the dissertation I wrote last year about performative apology and it’s potential for healing. I forwarded the news to UCL, asking if it could be added to my funding application as I felt it would bolster my case.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this at the time or not, but I sent my funding application to London from a tiny courier service lodged in a Varkala alleyway, operating from a space that in the West would probably be a store room, but in India is a shop. The papers arrived in London on time and I tried to put it out of my mind as I didn’t expect any news until June.

A short aside about how my mind works: It has taken me a while to get to this point, life-wise. Where I feel I have made a very conscious, considered decision about the direction I want to take – namely, to do my PhD. I’ve begun meandering down different routes at different moments which, far from being a waste of time, has helped clarify my ideas and conviction about what I want to do and where I want to go. Alongside this, I’ve had a lot of positive feedback in response to my academic work and I have interpreted this as confirmation that I’m on the right track and that I’m capable of succeeding in my chosen area. So. I realise it sounds naive, but I believe that if I am committed to something I feel so unequivocally is right for me, then the universe will manifest the necessary support to allow me to proceed. In this case, financial support. Not regardless of the amount of effort I put in – I work bloody hard to make things happen (and am currently halfway up a mountain freezing my arse off learning Hindi which can’t really be construed as a lazy option) – but in recognition of it: I work hard and the universe (to be interpreted as you wish) sometimes rewards that.

Which is why I wasn’t complacent about getting PhD funding – I’m well aware of the competition and have no illusions that I deserve it above everyone else – but I was quite confident, given the strength of my application. And it was more that I was/am so convinced that I’m on the right path that I found it difficult to conceive of a hurdle as enormous as being refused the funding I need to pursue it.

All of which goes at least some way towards explaining why when I read the email from UCL that followed the RAI prize news and which informed me that my application for funding had been unsuccessful, the world shrank to the size of a computer screen which I stared at with a hollow stomach, stunned.

I was very conscious of having put so much faith in fate, to the extent that I did have moments when a voice somewhere inside suggested that I might be turned down almost as a warning against such a hopeful attitude. But I don’t think I really thought I would be. It’s a big bump in a road whose trajectory I had all planned out and having to rethink it is an exhausting prospect. I’m angry at a system that rewards hard work with disappointment – it’s a glaring symptom of societal ill when it is so much easier to get a corporate job and earn obscene amounts of money doing nothing for the world than it is to get a pathetic amount of funding for the privilege of choosing to spend four years of relative poverty working towards something that you believe in, that you hope might one day make a difference to someone, somewhere.

The bigger picture will reveal itself, of course. And I’ll end up where I’m meant to be, doing what I’m meant to be doing, because I always do – I’ve had enough false starts in my life thus far to remain confident of that. I’m already glimpsing potential new vistas of opportunity – maybe Oxford and the Institute of Ageing was the better choice after all. Or maybe UCL will see sense and send me a fat cheque. Or maybe I’ll move to India and work and write books and be warm and eat beautiful food every day. Or maybe I’ll become an astronaut and go to the moon.

In one way I’m not in the best place to deal with this, but in another I’m in the perfect place. Because India has a habit of throwing things at you and setting the world spinning in a different direction. Then you have a choice – to curl up and wish for things to be different, or to stand up and survey the view and reaffirm that everything is possible.

It’s Really Cold Here…

….really really cold. And wet. And devoid of heating. To the extent that my meditative state is suffering somewhat. I don’t do well in the cold – my body is permanently tense, I feel my muscles beginning to knot and ache from the effort of trying to generate heat.

A significant part of India’s appeal to me is its heat (and no, obviously not to its most extreme degree). I thrive in heat. My body relaxes, my muscles unclench, my whole being seems to expand, relieved of the effort of battling temperatures that feel unnaturally low. I love the languid feeling of warm, humid air. I find it much easier to exist in warmth, essentially.

So being here in the cold is a bit of a struggle. Hindi classes are great; I like where I’m staying; I’m meeting fun, interesting people; it’s beautiful (when you can see through the mist); it’s all quite wonderful; it’s just too cold for (my) comfort. Which is a shame.

In the Mountains

I’m in Landour, a tiny hamlet just outside Mussoorie in the foothills of the Himalayas. It’s so beautiful here – to try and embellish that description seems almost pointless. It’s just so beautiful. I’m surrounded by mountains, forests and sky. All is still. I go to school for three classes a day (I feel my brain expanding in order to accommodate so much new knowledge – it feels good), I’m fed three times a day, I have an occasional bucket shower and I sleep at night under two heavy blankets. Life is simple, purposeful; I love it. I feel the quiet, the shanti, inside myself and perhaps it’s this that makes regular writing feel less necessary. I still have things to say – thoughts accumulated over the last six or seven weeks – but I’ll get to them when the compulsion returns, which it will.

And in the meantime I’ll just be here, myself, living in the mountains.

Pictures Ctd…

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